(Previously shared with some)
I never have to wonder when my mother knew I had come of age. There were two events that caused it and after each she never looked at me the same. The first was when I got my period for the first time. After a day and a half of crying, she got me some library books, video tapes then had a long conversation with me about how I was a woman now and that my body had matured to do what it was designed to do. She never looked at me the same.
The second event was when I wrote in my diary about my first sexual encounter. I poured it all out there, the good, the bad, the ugly, it was all written in a book that was supposed to be for my eyes only. Yet she looked. She saw. She was mortified. I tried to cover it up once I knew she had seen it by saying I only wrote what I did because I knew my nosey sister was reading my diary, so I wanted to give her something juicy to bust her on later as proof she was spying. My mother didn’t buy it, but she acted like she did. I’m sure she hoped and prayed that my lie was the truth, but deep within, we both knew her heart told her otherwise and her eyes never looked at me the same.
Those two incidents screamed to her that her baby was no longer her baby. From that point on she knew that I was a woman, or at least on the road to becoming one. I think she was more hurt at me losing my youth than she was disappointed in my actions. But either/or…things had changed. Her baby was becoming the same as her…a woman and I know that part of her heart ached because of all that entailed.
Today my heart aches. It’s a feeling that you have to be a mother to truly feel. It’s that moment that your child crosses over; the moment when they are no longer innocent and have made the transition that defines all adults at some point or another–the pursuit of lust.
I knocked on his door as I always do before entering. His room is his haven, and I respect that. He did not hear me knocking. He had no time to hide what he was viewing. As the door to his room opened there it was on a full 21-inch computer screen.
At first my motherly eyes that normally look at my son with a crush of him being perfect, thought I had entered the wrong room and had entered my 19 year olds room instead. But that wasn’t the case.
Sweetness…my pride and joy, my 16 and a half year old virgin, my football player extraordinaire, my innocent child, the one that every teacher loves, the one with the good grades, the Morris chestnut looks and the perfect smile, the one that parents come up to me at games asking can they adopt…
’Sweetness’ was looking at porn.
Our eyes met as he tried to down size the screen. I just looked at him and left the room.
His brother came in my room as I sat in shock and I told him, “I just saw your brother looking at porn.” Will chuckles and tries to comfort his dramatic mother. “Ma, it was bound to happen, he’s 16, that’s what boys do as they come into manhood. Just be happy he was only looking when you came in.”
I sent hubby a text at work and told him what I saw, his response…”It was bound to happen, he’s 16.” Then he told me he would heighten the security on the computer.
Both of those 3rd legs could not feel my pain. Hummm…I guess you have to be a mother to understand. I can’t say that I am really disappointed because having a 3rd leg does cloud judgment when you have sperm on the brain. But I guess I am just hurt. Because for the first time, I feel what my mother felt when I got my period and when I lost my virginity. I guess I am just sad because this signals the end of his innocence. I guess I am just seeing my baby disappear and a man emerge. I guess I just don’t want to let go of the child-like beauty that I could always witness through his eyes.
All of that is gone and I know, much like my mother, I will never look at him the same. I think that is what hurts most.
There will be discussion about this tonight…actions will be taken concerning his computer to block him looking at porn, but in the end, tonight Sweetness joined the number, and I had to realize that men will be men, even if the man is a boy.